Monday, August 29, 2005

This is my time to pay?

I think depression is taking hold again. I don't feel well at all. There is no reason. I feel really hungry, but once i have food in front of me, I quickly loose my appetite. I feel like my stomach is empty even after eating the what i can. I feel like doing nothing with no one, and i know that is not healthy. The friends i've made here are great, but at the moment I wish I didn't know anyone, because then I'd have a reason to be depressed. These chemicals imbalances are not worth the trouble they cause. Could it be that i'm addicted to being depressed? Could it be that my body has built up a dependancy on this chemical that causes sadness? I don't know. I don't know... but i do know one thing. I will not let this overcome me...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


"Alone at last. Just nostalgia and I. We were sure to have a blast..."
I miss my friends. It's been two days here at UNT and I feel quite alone and bored. I thought it would not be that bad to get away, but I guess when we lose what we take for granted, we really realize how much it means to us. I miss everybody. I've been bored here. Sitting in front of a computer all day is the worst thing I have ever done. It's the reason why I switched to photography. I think tomorrow I will go shoot or get the roll of film from new york that i missed developed. I thought I had defeated codependance, but lately I don't want to do anything if I'm doing it alone. I don't know. Perhaps I will check to see if there are any BSU activities tomorrow. It will be good. I need to make friends.

Saturday, August 20, 2005


I think I have taken a turn for the worst lately. I feel crowded again, and I can't wait to get out of this rut I'm in. In a couple of days I will be leaving this town. I won't see people as often as I see them now. I will be in a brand new place. I say that knowing that I've been there before, but knowing It's not going to be the same at all. I will be studying somthing different, I will know different people, and my life will be worth something else. Sometimes I think I am not strong enough to face the future, but I am reminded that whatever I do face I was meant to face. People I know I was meant to know. Choices I make I was meant to take. I'm not saying there is no right or wrong. There is definately a clear distinction between what is right and what is wrong, but every choice I make, even if it is a mistake, I was meant to make.
Someone told me to not say never. She is correct. I do believe in forever, though. I believe in things that last. People make it hard to remember this. We get caught up in so many petty things. "This person doesn't like me, that person hurt my feelings." Focus on what is real. Don't make relationships in which all you do is talk about foolishness. Create deep relationships. Nurture them. Make something that will last forever, but remember that it is right now that you live. Don't dwell on the past, don't live in the future. This is your time to live. This is your time to live. Right now.
I have not spoken about my trip to New York. It's not because I don't want to, but it's because for me it was a time of mental rest. That's over with. A nice in between, if you will. But now I am back in Texas. This is right now. This is your time to live.