Monday, May 23, 2005

A short word on depression

You may laugh and think that i am kidding when i say I am depressed because in the past i have done a good job of hiding it really well. To tell the truth, depression is a horrible state of emotion. Knowing that there is nothing to be sad about and feeling like death is a good option is not what i'd like to feel like everyday. What is even worse, depression when there is something bothering you amplifies the worry even more. When it is something pretty big that is weighing down on you, your emotions really do get the best of you. Loneliness seems everlasting and no amount of company can cheer you up. No matter who is with you or what they say, nothing seems to snap you out of it. You feel like crying but the tears don't come. It is definately no laughing matter. I appreciate those who understand.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

do you understand?

I don't really have much to say today other than I to state my goal for the future: revolution. my medium: photography. i don't really know how i'm going to do it, but i am going to show the world through photographs and change the mindset of people. The motivation: selfless love. I don't want to live a life dedicated to living the american dream. there's got to be more than that. more...

selfless love... i once heard this definition of love. to love (because it is a verb) is to give the all of oneself without expecting anything in return. i'm trying. i really am...

Monday, May 16, 2005

i need a hug

I have never been more scared in my life. Never. What is going to happen next year? What big changes are going to come about. I can honestly say that i have never felt this way before. Not even when I left home for the first time or when I graduated from highschool. this is the first time i have felt confused and yet in a strange way i feel excited. I am barely two weeks into the summer and already I have begun counting down to the fall. a new school, even though it isn't new to me. I am going to be studying something i feel i can do for the rest of my life, and yet the future seems completely hazy. I cannot hold on to anything for it's likely to fade...

Friday, May 13, 2005


No one wants to read the angry rantings of a mad emo kid and his whiny complaints about the opposite sex or his grudges against life and how much it sucks. With that said, I apologize for the post on May the 4th. I'm sorry. I promise not to make anyone read any more whining on my behalf.
Also, production on a converse video will begin shortly. I will probably buy a powerbook sometime this month, so productivity will increase drastically. Also don't forget to keep checking in for more philosophy.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I got your letter...

I don't know exactly why I am here, but I know I am not here on accident. I know that everything I have done and everything that has happened that seemed out of control was really all planned out. Nothing happens that wasn't meant to happen. Nothing doesn't happen what was not supposed to happen.
It is nearing Christmas break of my sophomore year in high school. In my french class, my teacher, Ying Smith, makes an announcement about a special school dedicated to bringing out the best of mathematically and scientifically inclined students. I was really not interested. My life was monotonous, but quite frankly, I didn't care. I had a friend in that french class. He was probably the only kid I ever hung out with outside of school. Ben Keechi: a mathematically and scientifically inclined kid. He convinced me to apply with him to the Texas Academy of Math and Science. I really did not want to go, and the only reason I even considered it was because I would be losing my only buddy. I conferred with my parents. At first I could tell they were hesitant: losing their first boy two years before they had planned, but the school was paid for by the state. It was economically sound, but they didn't want me to leave. Being only 15 years old, I naturally did some rebelling and convinced them to let me try. So I applied and I was accepted in May, after being on the wait-list.
But that's not where things started. You could say they started when I was born. If you want to go further back, you could say that they started when my mom and dad met. This story really doesn't have a beginning, but I am hoping that it has a happy ending. The point of this random post is this:
Nothing is an accident. If everything was coincidence, there would be no meaning in relationships, friendships, trials, hardships, or the good times. Everything that happens has to come from somewhere to be meaningful. From losing loved ones to falling in love to going to different schools to sitting and having a cup of coffee discussing the latest Wes Anderson film, we were meant to do it...

Otherwise, what's the point?

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


Today has been a dreary day. The sky is grey, my heart is blue. The title of this blog is personified in today. I do not know what is causing this imbalance in me. Perhaps I slept too long. Perhaps I am afraid of what will happen tomorrow. Perhaps I am lonely and have been for too long. I look back and remember the times when I felt like this, but they are different than today. What is wrong? Sometimes this feeling comes on me telling me to run away and leave everything behind. What can I do? I don't feel threatened by the people or the circumstances. Why do I feel this way?