A True Story

I was not born into a wealthy family. For most of my life, I grew up in a home that struggled to get by. It wasn't because my dad was lazy, or because my mother did not keep a budget well. My dad is actually one of the hardest working people I know. He was a Baptist preacher, but worked as an electronic technician during the week. My mother spent our income wisely. We always had food on the table, and we were always warm in the winters. No, we struggled because we always seems to have luck against us. I mean, I was raised into not believe in luck, but as life would have it, something always happened to set us back.
The summer before the fifth grade was one of the worst I remember. My dad had been offered a job at a church a long way from the town we had grown up in. Moving there would change everything. New schools, new friends, new attitudes on life. The church had arranged for a parsonage, but before we could move in, it had to be remodeled.
After several weeks of staying with an old lady from the church, the house was nearly completed. We moved all of our belongings into the house. A problem with the plumbing meant anyone who needed to use the bathroom would have to walk to the church. For my mother's sake, we stayed at the lady's house one more night.
It was on the television, in the papers. Reports of arson, a house burned down.
We lost everything. Literally, up in smoke. All of our belongings were scorched: clothes, furniture, memories, our bright future. We had nothing but what we had with us. But we survived. We did not live a life with any luxuries for years. We accepted charity, my father took a job as a janitor at the school I attended. He always had a smile on his face. I cried late at night sometimes.
We lived in the housing projects for a while, we could not afford electricity for a few months. We borrowed the neighbors and paid them with what we could.
Eventually, we would be able to afford a small mobile home, and a rented lot in a trailer park. Sometimes we could not afford food, and we did not qualify for assistance from welfare, since both my parents were employed. My mother worked as an assistant at the county offices, filling out documents, running numbers. My dad did not want to mop floors anymore. He took the biggest risk of his life. He quit his job and attended the university in town full time. Now all the financial burden was on my mother. I thought my father was lazy, I thought we was being irresponsible. My mother spent hours at work, making barely enough to get by. Most of our food came from the local food pantry. My dad bought expensive books and sat around reading them for long hours. I resented him. He did no work. I cried late at night sometimes.
My father graduated from school when I was a freshman in high school. Four years had gone by since we moved from our comfortable life near family, near old friends. In all those years, we were never hungry. We were never cold in the winters. At last, my father had completed his schooling. When he started, he barely could speak english. He had trouble communicating, and sometimes he still does. But he graduated with a degree in sociology. He found a job as a counselor for underpriviledged children at the elementary school my little brother attended. Throughout all of this, our parents never enrolled us in this program. We were poorer than these at times, but there was hope at the end of the dark tunnel. both my parents were employed, and we managed to get by, buying our own food, our own clothes.
My parents are getting along well today. They still live in the trailer, but we recovered after those long, painful years. Thinking back, I cry late at night sometimes. We made it. We made it.

I love a girl who burned my heart down. As the walls of my heart crumbled into glowing embers on the bare floor of my soul, I became enraged. I had built that love up, I nurtured it from it's weak, infantile days. And now it smoldered, ashes blowing up into the air, a pile of soot, black and soon cold. As I grew to accept this pillar of nothingness, something I did not expect happened. A phoenix. In it's eyes was a dim glimmer. A revived hope. Although everything I had was lost, here is a new chance, a clean slate. My love for her is stronger than it was, a renewed emotion. So I wrote her a letter. I wrote her my heart, I wrote her my secret. The clouds of smoke that once blackened the sky were gone. I would do anything to make this last. I still wait for a response. I still wait.

ever night

The small rectangular window
let's me see this machine's wing.
Outside the sun is setting
red, like crying eyes.
I last saw you on the other
side of the world. The sun rose
from cold, windy eastern skies
yellow, like your hair.
The words you said are with me still.
The touch of lips to lips gone.
And you interred lie sleeping,
black, in ever night.

the kids were sick.

the kids are sick
they cough in bed.
they toss and turn.
fevers cause images
in their heads to burn.
the kids are sick.
their sheets are wet
with sickly sweat.
and I? i wait.
burning foreheads.
the kids are sick.
the sun rises
and bodies are still
and everything says
they're sleeping, so still.
the kids were sick.

A short story that I am writing right now!

"I never really thought it would be this hard." Melissa took of her apron and threw it over the recliner. Several pens fell out of the pocket.
I picked up the pens. Two of them where Bics with blue caps, and one of them was a novelty pen I had bought her on my trip to Seattle. "You just have to tell them what you think." I put the pens into the apron pocket and hung it on the coat rack.
Mary had wavy blonde hair, and when she worked she put it up. When she got home she would untie it and wave it around to untangle it. "The thing is, I can't." She ran her fingers through her hair.
...
to be cont.

Another Rant

Today I will rant about the objectivity of women in today's society. In particular, I will bash the AXE company, since it has been brought to my attention that their advertising not only puts men in a fantasized control over women, but that this power is granted by a spray which can be bought at the store for about five dollars. Are there really men out there who think this way? Are there really women out there who let themselves be portrayed in this way? Why don't the good guys and girls say anything about this? Why is this company putting out commercial after commercial? Are there people actually buying this product for the reason that it was portrayed? Are there people who buy this product, despite of the way it is advertized? Why support this product, and this portrayal of women as an object? I don't know about you, but I know I will not purchase this product, or any other product which degrades the equality of man and woman. That is all.

It's sad, really.

It has been said that I look like a madman with my short hair. It's horrible really, but it's true. I have even been compared to brad pitt! It's true, just look at the picture. Crazy.

Brad Pitt in "Twelve Monkeys"



I look even crazier than that. I hate it. So much for "professional."

Birthdays?

I wish I was little again.

The start of a habit

This is from the first time I tried to cut my hair. I have gotten much better since.

The Hudson

A barge on the Hudson River. Experimenting with simple Photoshop filters.

Broken Bones

Today I fell on the ice and broke both my elbows. Well, maybe they are not broken, but they hurt like nothing else. This has taught me a lesson: Jehu's don't like icy sidewalks, especially while carrying my powerbook. boo on ice...

to look forward, one must know where they came from...

Today I was reading all about the history of photography. I read how cameras obscura's were used by drawers and painters to get perspective down, and how they used that technology to look at solar eclipses. It was a really interesting history. It served to make me even more enthusiastic and motivated to one day be mentioned in a photography history book. I don't know what about yet, but I think it's a good idea.

A New Leaf

After much deliberation and many many hours thinking about nothing, and then suddenly thinking about baseball, I have decided to become a Yankees fan. I think this is for the best.

This will tell you what I am doing.

I AM HATING ON ZOMBIES!!! Also Megan told me to write in this... i think?

To All Who Care to Listen.

Everything on this planet, in this solar system, in this universe, and any other universes that might exist stays together because there exists a God with infinite power and wisdom. He keeps every electron spinning and knows exactly how fast it is going and exactly where it is. He keeps every proton in the nucleus, every string that makes up each particle, and every sublevel below that in existance. He is the law that makes atoms attracted to each other. He is in the space between everything that exists and is also in everything that exists. His presence is ever pervading. Why is it that we don't believe that anything is possible. Sure, we can say it, but do we believe with our hearts? Do we have faith? God incarnate, our Saviour Jesus Christ, said that if we had the smallest amount faith we could tell mountains to uproot themselves and they would. He said were to be doing things much greater than he ever did. He said faith in Him (God) is all it takes. Look at us today. We worry about getting to the next paycheck, we worry about the grades we will make in classes, we worry about the school we will make it into, we worry about getting where we are going. Why is it that when the Lord we believe in tells us we are meant for greater things that even He did that we get caught up in all this mundane noise? He said that if even the flowers of the field are dressed and the birds get their fill, why not we, who are God's prize creation, will be even more taken care of. I have a challenge for all of us. Christ gave us this one order. The greatest one. Love the Lord with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. Heart, Soul, Mind. Heart: All of our feelings should be of love towards our God. Mind: All our thoughts should focus on his infinite love for us. Soul: The essential core of what makes us human should know God is what keeps us, and love him. It doesn't say "love the lord with all your soul, but with your mind you should worry about the next paycheck, and with your heart you should worry about finding a wife." No! Everything that we want will come afterwards. Not as rewards for our love for him, but as gifts we don't deserve. I have a challenge for all of us, including myself. We have the power Christ gave us to do even more than he did. We have this commandment of love for Him, and love for others. What if we did just that. Every moment of everyday this week give Him praise for everything. In our minds, we will know he is the keeper of everything. This is to be our only thought. In our hearts, we are to know that he loves us deeper than any love we can find here on earth. In our souls we are to be devoted to searching out his infinite wisdom. Even for a day, if we can, to truly love Him with all that we are, will give us the faith to get through anything. It also enlightens us to realize that we are not put here for ourselves, but for him. For His glory. How will we glorify Him? By loving our neighbors as ourselves. We have the need to eat, to drink, for shelter, for love. We give all this to ourselves, but when we look besides us, we don't worry about other people. Take a look again. Are you loving those around you as yourself? I know I fail at this time and time again. But let's all try for at least one day. We will have faith to make mountains move. We can literally change the face of this world. In the deserts streams will flow and life will grow. I believe in the literal power of Christ. I believe he meant for us to do so much more that what we have been doing. Let's try it for a day. He gave us his word that we can do it, much as he gave us his word, and we came into existance. I know I will try everyday.

This is what I believe. Ask me about any questions you may have.

This is my time to pay?

I think depression is taking hold again. I don't feel well at all. There is no reason. I feel really hungry, but once i have food in front of me, I quickly loose my appetite. I feel like my stomach is empty even after eating the what i can. I feel like doing nothing with no one, and i know that is not healthy. The friends i've made here are great, but at the moment I wish I didn't know anyone, because then I'd have a reason to be depressed. These chemicals imbalances are not worth the trouble they cause. Could it be that i'm addicted to being depressed? Could it be that my body has built up a dependancy on this chemical that causes sadness? I don't know. I don't know... but i do know one thing. I will not let this overcome me...

Alone

"Alone at last. Just nostalgia and I. We were sure to have a blast..."
I miss my friends. It's been two days here at UNT and I feel quite alone and bored. I thought it would not be that bad to get away, but I guess when we lose what we take for granted, we really realize how much it means to us. I miss everybody. I've been bored here. Sitting in front of a computer all day is the worst thing I have ever done. It's the reason why I switched to photography. I think tomorrow I will go shoot or get the roll of film from new york that i missed developed. I thought I had defeated codependance, but lately I don't want to do anything if I'm doing it alone. I don't know. Perhaps I will check to see if there are any BSU activities tomorrow. It will be good. I need to make friends.

Redemption...

I think I have taken a turn for the worst lately. I feel crowded again, and I can't wait to get out of this rut I'm in. In a couple of days I will be leaving this town. I won't see people as often as I see them now. I will be in a brand new place. I say that knowing that I've been there before, but knowing It's not going to be the same at all. I will be studying somthing different, I will know different people, and my life will be worth something else. Sometimes I think I am not strong enough to face the future, but I am reminded that whatever I do face I was meant to face. People I know I was meant to know. Choices I make I was meant to take. I'm not saying there is no right or wrong. There is definately a clear distinction between what is right and what is wrong, but every choice I make, even if it is a mistake, I was meant to make.
Someone told me to not say never. She is correct. I do believe in forever, though. I believe in things that last. People make it hard to remember this. We get caught up in so many petty things. "This person doesn't like me, that person hurt my feelings." Focus on what is real. Don't make relationships in which all you do is talk about foolishness. Create deep relationships. Nurture them. Make something that will last forever, but remember that it is right now that you live. Don't dwell on the past, don't live in the future. This is your time to live. This is your time to live. Right now.
I have not spoken about my trip to New York. It's not because I don't want to, but it's because for me it was a time of mental rest. That's over with. A nice in between, if you will. But now I am back in Texas. This is right now. This is your time to live.

Good News

Today I recieved an email informing me of the acceptance of one of my photographs for publication in the next issue of the UTD Sojourn Journal of The Arts. I am very happy about this. It motivates me to keep going. One publication is the beginning, more will come. I will show the world beauty and truth through my photographs. I know this is only the beginning.

Hooked on it...

I have discovered I love to fish. I sorta knew it, but now I know it's therapeutic. I found a good spot to fish over on Renner and Synergy. I caught six small mouth bass in less than 45 minutes, and four of those were two in a row catches. I also had a few get away. It was a nice way to relax, but I left because the bugs were eating me up...

On Photography

Black and white photography is beautiful. It's not what the photograph looks like that is captivating, but what is in the photograph that draws all the attention. It's hard to have a good subject matter and composition, but when you find what you need to have in the picture, it's beautiful.
Color photography, in comparison, is only beautiful when the colors are perfect. It is hard to have perfect color, but it's possible. Blue eyes to me are beautiful. In a photograph, showing blue eyes is hard, but with deep rich colors, it is amazing.