Another Rant

Today I will rant about the objectivity of women in today's society. In particular, I will bash the AXE company, since it has been brought to my attention that their advertising not only puts men in a fantasized control over women, but that this power is granted by a spray which can be bought at the store for about five dollars. Are there really men out there who think this way? Are there really women out there who let themselves be portrayed in this way? Why don't the good guys and girls say anything about this? Why is this company putting out commercial after commercial? Are there people actually buying this product for the reason that it was portrayed? Are there people who buy this product, despite of the way it is advertized? Why support this product, and this portrayal of women as an object? I don't know about you, but I know I will not purchase this product, or any other product which degrades the equality of man and woman. That is all.

It's sad, really.

It has been said that I look like a madman with my short hair. It's horrible really, but it's true. I have even been compared to brad pitt! It's true, just look at the picture. Crazy.

Brad Pitt in "Twelve Monkeys"



I look even crazier than that. I hate it. So much for "professional."

Birthdays?

I wish I was little again.

The start of a habit

This is from the first time I tried to cut my hair. I have gotten much better since.

The Hudson

A barge on the Hudson River. Experimenting with simple Photoshop filters.

Broken Bones

Today I fell on the ice and broke both my elbows. Well, maybe they are not broken, but they hurt like nothing else. This has taught me a lesson: Jehu's don't like icy sidewalks, especially while carrying my powerbook. boo on ice...

to look forward, one must know where they came from...

Today I was reading all about the history of photography. I read how cameras obscura's were used by drawers and painters to get perspective down, and how they used that technology to look at solar eclipses. It was a really interesting history. It served to make me even more enthusiastic and motivated to one day be mentioned in a photography history book. I don't know what about yet, but I think it's a good idea.

A New Leaf

After much deliberation and many many hours thinking about nothing, and then suddenly thinking about baseball, I have decided to become a Yankees fan. I think this is for the best.

This will tell you what I am doing.

I AM HATING ON ZOMBIES!!! Also Megan told me to write in this... i think?

To All Who Care to Listen.

Everything on this planet, in this solar system, in this universe, and any other universes that might exist stays together because there exists a God with infinite power and wisdom. He keeps every electron spinning and knows exactly how fast it is going and exactly where it is. He keeps every proton in the nucleus, every string that makes up each particle, and every sublevel below that in existance. He is the law that makes atoms attracted to each other. He is in the space between everything that exists and is also in everything that exists. His presence is ever pervading. Why is it that we don't believe that anything is possible. Sure, we can say it, but do we believe with our hearts? Do we have faith? God incarnate, our Saviour Jesus Christ, said that if we had the smallest amount faith we could tell mountains to uproot themselves and they would. He said were to be doing things much greater than he ever did. He said faith in Him (God) is all it takes. Look at us today. We worry about getting to the next paycheck, we worry about the grades we will make in classes, we worry about the school we will make it into, we worry about getting where we are going. Why is it that when the Lord we believe in tells us we are meant for greater things that even He did that we get caught up in all this mundane noise? He said that if even the flowers of the field are dressed and the birds get their fill, why not we, who are God's prize creation, will be even more taken care of. I have a challenge for all of us. Christ gave us this one order. The greatest one. Love the Lord with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. Heart, Soul, Mind. Heart: All of our feelings should be of love towards our God. Mind: All our thoughts should focus on his infinite love for us. Soul: The essential core of what makes us human should know God is what keeps us, and love him. It doesn't say "love the lord with all your soul, but with your mind you should worry about the next paycheck, and with your heart you should worry about finding a wife." No! Everything that we want will come afterwards. Not as rewards for our love for him, but as gifts we don't deserve. I have a challenge for all of us, including myself. We have the power Christ gave us to do even more than he did. We have this commandment of love for Him, and love for others. What if we did just that. Every moment of everyday this week give Him praise for everything. In our minds, we will know he is the keeper of everything. This is to be our only thought. In our hearts, we are to know that he loves us deeper than any love we can find here on earth. In our souls we are to be devoted to searching out his infinite wisdom. Even for a day, if we can, to truly love Him with all that we are, will give us the faith to get through anything. It also enlightens us to realize that we are not put here for ourselves, but for him. For His glory. How will we glorify Him? By loving our neighbors as ourselves. We have the need to eat, to drink, for shelter, for love. We give all this to ourselves, but when we look besides us, we don't worry about other people. Take a look again. Are you loving those around you as yourself? I know I fail at this time and time again. But let's all try for at least one day. We will have faith to make mountains move. We can literally change the face of this world. In the deserts streams will flow and life will grow. I believe in the literal power of Christ. I believe he meant for us to do so much more that what we have been doing. Let's try it for a day. He gave us his word that we can do it, much as he gave us his word, and we came into existance. I know I will try everyday.

This is what I believe. Ask me about any questions you may have.

This is my time to pay?

I think depression is taking hold again. I don't feel well at all. There is no reason. I feel really hungry, but once i have food in front of me, I quickly loose my appetite. I feel like my stomach is empty even after eating the what i can. I feel like doing nothing with no one, and i know that is not healthy. The friends i've made here are great, but at the moment I wish I didn't know anyone, because then I'd have a reason to be depressed. These chemicals imbalances are not worth the trouble they cause. Could it be that i'm addicted to being depressed? Could it be that my body has built up a dependancy on this chemical that causes sadness? I don't know. I don't know... but i do know one thing. I will not let this overcome me...

Alone

"Alone at last. Just nostalgia and I. We were sure to have a blast..."
I miss my friends. It's been two days here at UNT and I feel quite alone and bored. I thought it would not be that bad to get away, but I guess when we lose what we take for granted, we really realize how much it means to us. I miss everybody. I've been bored here. Sitting in front of a computer all day is the worst thing I have ever done. It's the reason why I switched to photography. I think tomorrow I will go shoot or get the roll of film from new york that i missed developed. I thought I had defeated codependance, but lately I don't want to do anything if I'm doing it alone. I don't know. Perhaps I will check to see if there are any BSU activities tomorrow. It will be good. I need to make friends.

Redemption...

I think I have taken a turn for the worst lately. I feel crowded again, and I can't wait to get out of this rut I'm in. In a couple of days I will be leaving this town. I won't see people as often as I see them now. I will be in a brand new place. I say that knowing that I've been there before, but knowing It's not going to be the same at all. I will be studying somthing different, I will know different people, and my life will be worth something else. Sometimes I think I am not strong enough to face the future, but I am reminded that whatever I do face I was meant to face. People I know I was meant to know. Choices I make I was meant to take. I'm not saying there is no right or wrong. There is definately a clear distinction between what is right and what is wrong, but every choice I make, even if it is a mistake, I was meant to make.
Someone told me to not say never. She is correct. I do believe in forever, though. I believe in things that last. People make it hard to remember this. We get caught up in so many petty things. "This person doesn't like me, that person hurt my feelings." Focus on what is real. Don't make relationships in which all you do is talk about foolishness. Create deep relationships. Nurture them. Make something that will last forever, but remember that it is right now that you live. Don't dwell on the past, don't live in the future. This is your time to live. This is your time to live. Right now.
I have not spoken about my trip to New York. It's not because I don't want to, but it's because for me it was a time of mental rest. That's over with. A nice in between, if you will. But now I am back in Texas. This is right now. This is your time to live.

Good News

Today I recieved an email informing me of the acceptance of one of my photographs for publication in the next issue of the UTD Sojourn Journal of The Arts. I am very happy about this. It motivates me to keep going. One publication is the beginning, more will come. I will show the world beauty and truth through my photographs. I know this is only the beginning.

Hooked on it...

I have discovered I love to fish. I sorta knew it, but now I know it's therapeutic. I found a good spot to fish over on Renner and Synergy. I caught six small mouth bass in less than 45 minutes, and four of those were two in a row catches. I also had a few get away. It was a nice way to relax, but I left because the bugs were eating me up...

On Photography

Black and white photography is beautiful. It's not what the photograph looks like that is captivating, but what is in the photograph that draws all the attention. It's hard to have a good subject matter and composition, but when you find what you need to have in the picture, it's beautiful.
Color photography, in comparison, is only beautiful when the colors are perfect. It is hard to have perfect color, but it's possible. Blue eyes to me are beautiful. In a photograph, showing blue eyes is hard, but with deep rich colors, it is amazing.

The Last Couple of Weeks

It feels like I am nearing the close of yet another chapter in my life. New York will be the a small interlude in which important things might happen, but after New York is something totally new. I as of yet do not have a place to live before I move into the UNT dorms on Sunday, August 21st. I am not worried about it, however. There is that week and a half where I might be floating around. I need to move my things out of this house before New York. Also move myself out before New York.
One of the things I am most scared of concerning this trip is the flight there and back. I am terrified that if I die, I will not have finished things I started. I am not afraid of dying for my sake, but for the sake of people I love. This is my biggest fear.
On a lighter, sooner note, I will be going on a trip tonight to go float down the Caddo river. I love these get away times. Last time was El Paso, the week before that was camping, and this weekend it will be floating down a river in Arkansas. School is almost over for the summer. Just a few more class times. Almost there.
There is a lesson to be learned in everything. For me, the lesson I have learned lately is that I don't need tests to tell me what I should already know about myself. I was surprised at how accurate the test was, but I was more suprised what I knew those things about myself. I felt good knowing I knew myself. Do you?
I need to start packing... both for floating and to move out.

My Strength

I took a strength finder test the other day and it told me what I already knew but in words that make sense to other people.

Mine is Connectedness.

The book describes it as such:
Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life's mysteries.

Green Light

Yesterday, while driving, I came to a stop at a light behind another car. I wanted to turn right, and the car in front of me wanted to go straight. I was angry because he could have stop at the other lane which both goes straight and can turn left. The driver however stopped in front of me. There were no cars coming from the left, and i could have turned a long time before the light turned green had he stopped at the other lane.
Waiting at the light, I heard a bird singing. It was late at night, and I was in the city. The wind blowing into the car was cool, and the birds song was soothing. Last week I went camping and was woken up by a bird singing very early in the morning in a tree near my tent. I had put my pillow over my head and had tried to go back to sleep. I got up after a few minutes. Outside the sky was a dark shade of blue and in the eastern sky the sun shone red. I watched it rise few inches and listened to the song of the bird. When life gives you these moments, you don't want to let go.
The light turned green and the car in front of me sped off. I listened to the bird singing and stepped on the gas pedal. "It's about time," I said, and turned right.

My Thirteen-Year-Old Self Broke Into My Room

And he was confused. He did not know who lived there. He saw nothing really familiar. He was mad at me for not being who he thought I was going to be. I felt sorry for him because he was naive. He had not yet figured out what life was about. I saw him cry in the corner of my room, and I cried on the other corner. He looked at me and wondered why I dress the way I do. He wants me to be an architect. I want him to open his eyes.
But we talked and got to know each other. We have so much in common. We have so many differences.
He saw my guitar and told me he always really wanted to play it. I told him I learned just for him. He saw my books. Novels and collections of short stories. He said he spent most of his time in the library reading. I told him I would write something that would one day be in a library. He saw my photographs and said he was glad I was good at something. I told him I try my best. He listened to my music. He did not like it. He thought it was strange and he told me he would not listen to it again. I laughed. He went through my movies. He told me they looked boring and dumb. I reminded him he read some pretty dumb books, but he said he liked them.
He went through my clothes and told me he didn't like much of what I wear. I told him he would, in time. He found my drawing pad and told me he could do better. He was right. He went through my journals and wanted me to rewrite some of the entries and makek them happier. I told him it was too late, but that when I write future ones, I would try my best to make him happy.
He told me he liked to be alone. I answered him by saying it frightened me. He told me he went fishing last weekend. I told him I went yesterday, for the first time since he went. I promised him I would not go long without it again.
He said goodbye but he didn't leave. He is with me still. He likes to dress up as a ninja and climb trees. He wraps towels around his neck and pretends they are capes. He watches cartoons on saturday mornings and in the hot afternoons runs around outside fighting monsters and keeping the grass short. He has many adventures. I sit down and write about him.