A short word on depression

You may laugh and think that i am kidding when i say I am depressed because in the past i have done a good job of hiding it really well. To tell the truth, depression is a horrible state of emotion. Knowing that there is nothing to be sad about and feeling like death is a good option is not what i'd like to feel like everyday. What is even worse, depression when there is something bothering you amplifies the worry even more. When it is something pretty big that is weighing down on you, your emotions really do get the best of you. Loneliness seems everlasting and no amount of company can cheer you up. No matter who is with you or what they say, nothing seems to snap you out of it. You feel like crying but the tears don't come. It is definately no laughing matter. I appreciate those who understand.

do you understand?

I don't really have much to say today other than I to state my goal for the future: revolution. my medium: photography. i don't really know how i'm going to do it, but i am going to show the world through photographs and change the mindset of people. The motivation: selfless love. I don't want to live a life dedicated to living the american dream. there's got to be more than that. more...

selfless love... i once heard this definition of love. to love (because it is a verb) is to give the all of oneself without expecting anything in return. i'm trying. i really am...

i need a hug

I have never been more scared in my life. Never. What is going to happen next year? What big changes are going to come about. I can honestly say that i have never felt this way before. Not even when I left home for the first time or when I graduated from highschool. this is the first time i have felt confused and yet in a strange way i feel excited. I am barely two weeks into the summer and already I have begun counting down to the fall. a new school, even though it isn't new to me. I am going to be studying something i feel i can do for the rest of my life, and yet the future seems completely hazy. I cannot hold on to anything for it's likely to fade...

Fact

No one wants to read the angry rantings of a mad emo kid and his whiny complaints about the opposite sex or his grudges against life and how much it sucks. With that said, I apologize for the post on May the 4th. I'm sorry. I promise not to make anyone read any more whining on my behalf.
Also, production on a converse video will begin shortly. I will probably buy a powerbook sometime this month, so productivity will increase drastically. Also don't forget to keep checking in for more philosophy.

I got your letter...

I don't know exactly why I am here, but I know I am not here on accident. I know that everything I have done and everything that has happened that seemed out of control was really all planned out. Nothing happens that wasn't meant to happen. Nothing doesn't happen what was not supposed to happen.
It is nearing Christmas break of my sophomore year in high school. In my french class, my teacher, Ying Smith, makes an announcement about a special school dedicated to bringing out the best of mathematically and scientifically inclined students. I was really not interested. My life was monotonous, but quite frankly, I didn't care. I had a friend in that french class. He was probably the only kid I ever hung out with outside of school. Ben Keechi: a mathematically and scientifically inclined kid. He convinced me to apply with him to the Texas Academy of Math and Science. I really did not want to go, and the only reason I even considered it was because I would be losing my only buddy. I conferred with my parents. At first I could tell they were hesitant: losing their first boy two years before they had planned, but the school was paid for by the state. It was economically sound, but they didn't want me to leave. Being only 15 years old, I naturally did some rebelling and convinced them to let me try. So I applied and I was accepted in May, after being on the wait-list.
But that's not where things started. You could say they started when I was born. If you want to go further back, you could say that they started when my mom and dad met. This story really doesn't have a beginning, but I am hoping that it has a happy ending. The point of this random post is this:
Nothing is an accident. If everything was coincidence, there would be no meaning in relationships, friendships, trials, hardships, or the good times. Everything that happens has to come from somewhere to be meaningful. From losing loved ones to falling in love to going to different schools to sitting and having a cup of coffee discussing the latest Wes Anderson film, we were meant to do it...

Otherwise, what's the point?

Melancholy

Today has been a dreary day. The sky is grey, my heart is blue. The title of this blog is personified in today. I do not know what is causing this imbalance in me. Perhaps I slept too long. Perhaps I am afraid of what will happen tomorrow. Perhaps I am lonely and have been for too long. I look back and remember the times when I felt like this, but they are different than today. What is wrong? Sometimes this feeling comes on me telling me to run away and leave everything behind. What can I do? I don't feel threatened by the people or the circumstances. Why do I feel this way?

A Revision

This is a remake of one of my earlier ideas. the picture is totally different, of course, but it conveys more the feeling i was going for.

song of the day

this song is amazing in it's simplicity. beautiful and extremely emotional, yet not emo in the least. wow.

Broken Social Scene

"Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl"

You used to be one of the rotten ones
and I liked you for that
Now you're all gone, got you're make-up on
And you're not coming.
Can't you come back?

Bleaching you're teeth
Smile and Flash
Talking trash under your breath,
Under my window.

Park that car,
Drop that phone,
Sleep on the floor,
Dream of me...

this song almost made me cry, and i don't cry often. it's that good. the vocals are amazing, the percussion provides a beautiful rythm, a violin, a guitar, and a banjo create amazing melodies. it's just amazing. i highly recommend it.

Aging

Clicking on the title of this page will send you to a face transformer website which is actually quite creepy. When I changed the picture of my face to see what i would look like as an old person, i looked exactly like my grandfather on my mom's side. crazy. it's definately worth a look.

Fortunate Fortunes

Today is quite possibly the only time that I ever get amazing fortune cookies. I'm not saying I believe in fortune cookies, but today I got some pretty interesting ones. One of them really got me thinking though. It said:
You stand in your own light. Make it shine.
I know i don't stand in my own light, but it's the second part that struck me. "Make it shine," it says. I try so hard. I want so badly to shine. There is so much gunk on this mirror that i can barely see who I am, much less shine. Am i trying so hard to look past all the grime that I don't realize i need to clean off the mirror to shine the light? I guess I was.
I am definitely excited about going to unt next year. Hopefully I'll be living in maple hall where I hope to shine. I have already registered for classes. They are the following:

ART 1440.001 Design I; Wed 1-1:50 PM; Lab: Tues, Thurs 10-11:50 AM; Instructor: Sally Packard.
It's apparently a design class. I have no idea what kind of designing i'll be doing. I'll make the best of it.
ART 2655.502 B&W Photography II; Tues, Thurs 3-5:50 PM; Instructor: Brent Phelps.
Since I took B&W Photgraphy I at utd, I assume this is the next course. I will have to see what happens as a result of this. I might have to take the first class again, though I doubt it.
ENGL 3140.003 Inter Creative Writing (Fiction); Tues 6:30-9:20 PM; Instructor: TBA.
Hopefully this is as good a class as the one here at utd. if you want to read any of my stuff you can request a copy via the comments.
PSCI 1040.001 American Government; Mon, Wed, Fri 9-9:50 AM; Instructor: Gloria Cox.
People said she was crazy, so what the heck. Gotta make it count.

That's not all I have to say today, but that's all i want to post.

Again with the music...

Beautiful. That is only one of the possible descriptions for The Album Leaf's "In A Safe Place." I highly recommend checking it out. It is amazing.

A band that is good

that is the death cab for cutie. awesome indie rock, beautiful lyrics delivered in amazing vocals by Ben Gibbard. i highly recommend checking them out. Start with "the photo album" album. beautiful songs.

if you like them, check out the postal service. amazing.

Facts of Life

Fact: Acorns are poisonous to humans, and, if eaten, will cause kidney damage.

crap. i am going to put my name on the kidney waiting list first things tomorrow.

Fact: Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung.

in bed? teehee...

Fact: When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack them.

be forewarned...

Fact: Coca-Cola was originally green.

makes you wonder, doesn't it john?

Fact: Before Thomas Edison’s invention of the light bulb, people slept an average of 10 hours a night.

to think that without the lightbulb, i would probably be sleeping or something right now...

And that's all for today. All those facts and more can be found at the Able and Baker online comic strip. Check it out. It's linked above.

Says the wisest man on Earth

"Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."
What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?
Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.
All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.
All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.

here is what life is all about

are you ready? I am only saying this once. Life is all about being happy. Do what makes you happy. Don't strife to acheive wealth because when you die, you can't take it with you. Live life for today.

i so love drama

talk about life and death, talk about love and hate, talk about light and dark, but never say they are the same.

love defined:
love is not a feeling. it is not a fuzzy emotion in my stomach that makes me want to buy pink flowers and chocolates. love is an action. love is giving everything you have and when you've given your all, expecting nothing in return. that's it.

even if we come home empty handed...

i found a map to buried treasure. it's not going to be easy. as a matter of fact, it will be very difficult. but it is worth it... please come with me... please...



my hand is yours for the taking

you've done it again, but this is the end

i try hard to let your actions and your words go by unnoticed but your attitude is sour. so sour. you are like a sour selfish old man. i have never met anyone that could get away with it all, but you can. congratulations on your ability to change masks around the people you want to like you. you take the prize for best actor, but the picture came in dead last. congratulations on having yourself so figured out. i hope you have a happy life.

fell asleep in a pile of nails

new art photos coming soon. Also don't forget to comment on any of the previous pieces. i like the feedback, even if it's criticism. this is a kinda forced entry, i just felt i hadn't entered anything in a long time. well, have a good day.

that was tacky...

bored?

being alone isn't really all that bad. but promise me this. don't forget who you are. don't forget where you're from. if you can't be yourself, life in someone else's shoes is going to be alot harder. That's really all I have to say today.