An actual painting!

This is a photograph of a work in progress. It is a 24"x30" painting of a collage of several images I found on the internet. Credits for found images go to Jen Wang, Kazu Kibuishi, Chris Appelhans, and Carson Ellis! This is being painted for my foundations of painting course.

I'll probably post another update tonight after another bout of painting! This is actually funner than I thought the final project was going to be.

DANG IT! I missed SketchCrawl Again!

Okay guys (ESPECIALLY YOU, ATEC PEOPLE!!!), I want to organize a meeting for the next SketchCrawl. If you don't know what it is, go to their website and see. If you like to draw, fancy yourself a drawer, or just like to doodle stuff you see, this is for you!
Since we missed the latest SketchCrawl, we have about 2 months to organize one for the Dallas area! What does this mean? It means that if we want to participate in this world wide event, we need to know who out there is interested. ATEC (or AP or AH) people, you would probably enjoy doing this! And if we can get a group to just hang out and sketch during the next sketchcrawl, that would be amazing (and probably really fun!).
I know this is fed to my facebook notes, so if any of you ATEC (or other art majors) are interested, leave a note comment (here or facebook) or send a message. If there is any interest, we'll start a facebook group.

This one's for you...

Tess! Today's was written around the premise of drawing Tess's hair. I like how it turned out, but constructive criticism is welcome. This is the second Last Chance. Tess, I hope you like it!

Le yawn. It's bed time. I'll post this to DA tomorrow.

Photos, for a change

Some recent peekatures. Drawings from Starbucks signs I did. My favorite is the Italian Roast one. I drew VENICE!

Kinda the daily?

Here's two to think about...

The Daily 007, from 6/10/07

I like this one still. This is a smaller version of a previous project. I should get the large one completed...

Hurray, I got it done by the time I said I would. Today I used brush and black india to ink the strip. My hand shakes too much, and thus I have squiggly lines. I need to work on steadying those hand muscles. Today's also taken from an idea I had last fall. Here is today's Daily:

This week I might be doing a five day long narrative, depending on whether I get it written out today or not. If not, expect it for next week. I'll try my best.

That narrative sucked.
Oh, by the way, I've started adding the text I originally wrote on the facebook.

NEW COMIC!

I've started a new comic strip, much like the daily, only not so daily. I call it Last Chance, for many reasons. Here is the first one!

The Daily 006, first released 6/09/07

Silly one I had come up with a year or so before I made it into a daily:

Yeah, I know it's late. I was going to have it done at around one, but I was stolen from my drawing. Anyways, this is a rather silly one from an idea I had last summer. I don't know what to think about the execution of it (I tend to err on the "it sucks, make it better," side). But here is today's instructional comic for all you indie rockers who can't afford a turntable(*edit* phonograph is what I meant to say. I have been corrected by the indie rockers) because you bought a mac:

Tomorrows will be out early! Possibly still in the morning hours. Notice I still have 20 minutes left! HA! Take that, time!

Copper Is Back!!!

Kazu has posted the newest Copper comic over at Bolt City! It's been a WHOLE YEAR since the last one, and fortunately we are promised one for October. Go check it out if you haven't already, and don't forget to read the archives if you are new to Copper.

The Daily 005, originally released 06/08/07

Today is perhaps the first comic I was really happy with. This is perhaps because I like the art and the narrative.

Today's comic took a while to think of and draw. I broke a couple of pens and came to the conclusion that pigma microns are really crappy liners. My trusty Staedtler came through though. And here is the first multipanel Daily, far better than any of the previous strips (in my opinion).

Woo!
*Edit*
Oh yeah, I had something else to say. Working withing 3"x7" space is really challenging. Not only must I steady my head to make good linework, but actually fitting everything I have to say within that small rectangle takes alot of thinking and brainstorming. I am benefitting from this exercise!

The Daily 004, originally released 06/07/07

This is one about the part of my dream when I couldn't let go of the things that drug me away. Those balloons carried me so far.
Original text:

"Thank you for all the kind messages and notes! I've been encouraged to keep this up. I'm glad you've enjoyed the last few strips, though they were really not my favorites at all. Thanks! Here's today's comic:

Single panel comics are too easy, as in they are not challenging me to find creative ways to tell short yet complex narratives. Also my attempts to make non-seqiutor strips add to the complications. I will attempt multi-panel comics soon, maybe even tomorrow."

The Daily 003, originally released 6/06/07

This is about when I started working at Starbucks. I swear this really happened!

The Daily 002, originally released 06/05/07

This is about little things with big meanings and history attached to them. Besides that, only one other person would really know what it is about.
Original text:

"Yeah, these comics are rather trite and contrived. This is the point of this excercise: to develop a stronger writing style and to develop strong imagery and art. Here's todays strip.

Maybe I should give myself a 30 minute time limit on drawing and inking the art. I wrote this one in a really short time, too, without much thought, when I saw the little black spider."

Steve Hamaker, color artist for Jeff Smith, tutorials

Steve Hamaker works on coloring pages for Jeff Smith, and he's amazing at it. He has recently posted the first video in what he plans to be a series of video tutorials on YouTube. It's an informative short with the basics for digitally coloring a traditionally produced comic (i.e., paper and ink). He explains the relationship between the linework, the importance of black and white versus grayscale, and the color, explaining the effectiveness of working in layers. A good intro to coloring in you need a place to start.

The Daily 001, from 06/04/2007

The thing I remember when I first wrote this comic was that I felt ostracized, looked down upon. Yeah, kinda depressing, but I made this little thing.
Original text:

"I'm trying to get into the habit of disciplining myself is several aspects of my life. One of them is my drawing and writing. To solve this issue, I have started a new strip simply entitled, "The Daily," in which I will draw and keep memoirs. So far, it's conceived as a non-sequitor, but that might change, as does daily life.

Enjoy.

Obviously publishing on Facebook notes will decrease the quality of the image, so I will work on formatting it so that it does look so bad...
*Edit*
I guess you can click on it to make it bigger."

After a long hiatus, I bring comics!

Here's the deal. Sporadically throughout the summer I wrote a comics I called the daily. You might be asking yourself, "Sporadically? Daily? Sporadically daily???" Yeah, it started out as a daily offering mostly as a practice of my writing and my art. However, busy-ness kicked up and I was struggling to write and draw and sleep at some point during the week, so it tapered off as the summer drug on. But, in an attempt to be productive (rather, to seem productive, as I have been working on several story lines, that in hindsight hinders my productivity) I am posting all of them here daily as an archive. As an added bonus, I will throw in the original commentary of the piece PLUS a retrospective commentary. Like a DVD set! The first one in a few minutes!!!

The Lemonade Girl

This drawing was made on the day the last entry was published. Bleh. I like it. I totally stole Jen Wang's style for this one.


You can see through to the next page because I didn't tear the page out of the sketchbook. Maybe more to come soon. Check out my facebook notes for my daily comic. Maybe I'll put them up here too sometime.

I love her style!

Jen Wang is an amazing artist with a great style of drawing. One of my favorites, and an influence on my work. Check out this short comic by her. It's beautiful.

Click on it to see the whole of it. Hope you enjoy it.

Character Inks

Character Sheet

This is the character sheet I made for my preproduction course. Eh, not my best work.



I have been working on thumbnail sketches for the story. I'll get the first chapter done, and post one page a week. I don't know when they will be colored though, so expect a black and white image.

Comics!!!

I got to meet the McCloud family this past Monday! I am amazed at how the whole family is as much a part of the tour as is the talk. Winter asking for someone to teach her to purl (which she found and learned!), Sky with insightful comments, Ivy was very friendly, and of course Scott was funny AND informative. A very friendly family. I wish them luck and safety on the road.
I bought a copy of Daisy Kutter today, and have been reinspired! Yesterday and today, I have tried to draw but was not able to. I felt like Peter Parker in the second movie, afraid I had lost my powers, but not really realizing why I can draw and why I WILL draw.
I will be up all night working on a paper. Hurray coffee!
Also, i'll be working on a character sheet for Emma and Ishmael for my preproduction class. Of course, this is what I'm looking forward to the most tonight. The world is developing well in my mind and on my sketchbook, and I am contemplating the story. So far, I've written how the siblings make it into this magical world. I don't have a name for it yet, though.

SKETCH DUMP 07!!!!!

Or, at least a few weeks of 07.

This is who I am.

In human terms: unforgivable. I am a despicable man. I am a detestable person. My hands have spilt the blood of others. My body committed more grevious sins than most. My depravity gave birth to perversity, and that perversity killed. It maimed. It makes me unforgivable. The body and bloody of one cries of the guilt and of the shame of mine. With that guilt I will die. With that shame I won't make ammends. She stands and accuses me, and I plead guilty. I stripped her of dignity, and I brought her down to nothing. I stole a portion of her soul which did not belong to me. I sinned against her and against God.
There is the blood of another. He who was not sinful took this heinous crime that I committed and made it his own. We sinned against him and crucified him. With all our sins, he died, his blood trickled to the ground, and there, beneath the cross, it also speaks. When we murdered him, he forgave us. His blood points up to the cross and tells me he took my sin; he became my sin and removes my condemnation.
I am Cain. I have murdered and the Lord has found me guilty. My shame is too much to bear. But the Lord has been gracious. He has blessed me with forgiveness, when I did not deserve it at all.

I do not deserve it at all.

I was thinking about it when I heard this on the tele:

From the Travel Channel:
"The west coast attracts all the fugitives and refugees of the US. Portland ends up with the sort of most disturbed people."

Luke 5:27-32 tells the story of Jesus calling Levi, AKA Matthew:

27After this he went out and saw a tax collector named Levi, sitting at the tax booth. And he said to him, "Follow me." 28And leaving everything, he rose and followed him.
29And Levi made him a great feast in his house, and there was a large company of tax collectors and others reclining at table with them. 30And the Pharisees and their scribes grumbled at his disciples, saying, "Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?" 31And Jesus answered them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. 32I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance."

Jesus tells me to follow Him, and he calls me to Portland. There are the people Jesus came, died, and conquered death for: the rejects, the socially outcast, the fugitives and refugees who need a place to rest, and Jesus is the rest we all long for, whether we know it or not.

Preproduction class

I am luckily in the storyboarding class. HURRAY!!! I have not drawn more in that short amount of time. Hopefully, this class will get me closer to where I want to be artistically.
Soon, I will post the work from that class. Also, I'm required to have a deviant art account, so I'll link it in a few days. Any ideas for a name for my deviant art account?

Art and God

To say beautifully and render wonderfully the works of the Creator, the plan of the Redeemer, the awe of the King Jesus, this is why we were made. Worshippers for Jesus. We all worship, whether we believe it or not. We worship drink, we worship sex, we worship knowledge, we worship ourselves, wasting our time finding lasting satisfaction worshipping created things, when we were made to worship God the Creator. Art is a form of worship, poetry is a form of worship. It is for this reason that art strives to beautifully render the world, the creation, and the pain. We then worship the art, we house it, we buy it, we sell it and value it highly, yet secular artists are some of the most depressed people there are, with suicide rates among the artist community being higher than most other occupations. But what if we were to stop worshipping the creation of art, and instead, worship the Creator through art? The beauty of our Creators plan, the flawlessness of His sovereignty. Only worship of him through the method God created us to enjoy will satisfy us, and yes, it is hard work. It's not going to flow easy, and inspiration will only come from many hours of work. Artists were created by God, and we're still under the curse, and we still have to work hard to eat, and we still have to suffer, but it is in that suffering that He speaks to us tenderly, and it is in that dry wilderness of the soul that he fills our mouths with cool water.

Sketches for my Big Project

This is Isaac. He is a small boy. Click to see full.

A Ladybug

I drew this with a pencil at Jacobs apartment tonight, after a few hand sketches. He gave me a sheet of bristol so I made this. Enjoy! I might go back and tidy it up and maybe color, although I might use the original as a practice canvas for oil painting. Click to enlarge.

Comic ADDstravaganza!!!!

I lack the ability to concentrate on a single project, so I will be posting these comics I am going to try to get published on the UTD Mercury. They are about life as a commuting student at UTD. They will definitely venture out past just that aspect, so look forward to hijinx and danger!

I am also working on finishing Imaginary Stitches and starting a new story tentatively called "The Elevator," and also working on concept art for the book I will be writing. That one is my grand project that will take a couple of years, seeing as it requires research, and many many many sketch books. I will be keeping people informed.

From the best show ever...

Found this today. Colin Meloy either taking my phone or giving it back.

That's my hand!!! Wooo

WOO!

Okay, so it has been a few months since my last post, and not much has happened besides a really really really good show.

I got to see The Decemberists here in Dallas this past wednesday. Needless to say, the show was amazing, as the band itself. The latest album, The Crane Wife, is perhaps the bands most well-rounded album, having a circular, epic feel that leaves wanting to listen from the beginning once it is over.

Colin Meloy, with his prowess at the art of showmanship, made the show a spectacle to be seen. Even though my guest to the show didn't quite appreciate it as much as I did, my appreciation for the show was worth the entire 40 dollars I paid. I can proudly say Colin Meloy made a phone call from my phone to my sister during the show and sang part of "The Culling of the Fold" into it. IT WAS AMAZING!!!

The next page of the comic might go up over Thanksgiving, once I have free time. I'm looking forward to that. Either that, or I will cut this particular story short and write stand alone stories.

Time to relax.

I have not even started working on the next page of IS. But be assured that before long you will see the next issue. In the meanwhile, I have been sketching alot. I am ridiculously tired right now though. I built a pinhole camera and have been having fun with that. Also expect some product photography! Right now, I need a drink.

I started my Teach For America application yesterday. I can't believe it. Last year of my undergraduate education. Life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would, but rarely anyone's does.
I am torn between applying for the big city that never sleeps or a rural area in South Dakota Native American reservations.

WOO WHO!!!...?

Here is page three. Enjoy! Page four will most likely be a week from now.

EAT THAT POOR SELF-IMAGE!

Wednesday, I can say, was productive.

Comic was inked, scanned, arranged, flattened, colors removed, ready for painting. Photogram ideas floating around my head, fixed the light leak on the bellows to my new (to me, anyways) camera, taught Jacob and John how to set up the dark room, and John was there for clean up. Went and picked up Days We Would Rather Know, a collection of poems by Michael Blumenthal. Amazing, go pick up a copy. The way things are going, time will run out for me before I finish life. Imaginary Stitches is tearing out my stitches. This is, however, a lesson in writing. I need to write in images, and make each one meaningful, and make every part essential. Perhaps every page in this comic is essential, but I feel it moves too slowly. Maybe that's just the me that wants everything fast speaking. I need to slow down and breath and go to sleep soon to wake up, bright and early, to go learn to be a poet, and come back and paint all day long. Paint Paint Paint! Comic might be done tomorrow evening. As long as I don't die, it will be here before the weekend!

AAAGHH!

I am so behind schedule for the comic. This week, although I will try my hardest to get it done as soon as I possibly can, seems to suggest that the release of page three will not be until Friday. I am so tired. I've been up since six and working pretty much non-stop. I got home at around 7 and have been organizing my room as a studio and bedroom. At least I have an internet connection now. This will make uploading things easier. Huzzah!

Today's thing to think about...

I need to talk about Vera Brosgol some more. More specifically, her one page work in Flight Volume Two, "Salmoning."
There's plenty of times I always wonder if I'm going down the right current, or if I took a wrong turn somewhere, and I can't turn back and go the right way. Well, besides the deep philosophical implications of this work, the work is truely Vera Brosgol creating beautiful work.
Go buy Flight, all three volumes so far, and read all the rest of the stories. I can't promote this series enough. So go buy them.
Click on the title for a link to Vera's "Salmoning" from the Flight 2 preview site.

The now deleted idea...

Was total bullcrap. I'll be working diligently and producing artistic works with literary value no matter how much time they take, although you can expect something weekly.

Page 2!

Page two, still on wednesday, as promised. I need to start working on page three immediately to get it done on time for early wednesday next week. Without further ado...*artstuffs partially contributed by the talented Claire Brown.

So Far, So Good.

Page two progress is going great. Scanning right now. I'm much happier with the new drawings, and I even had time to do a sketch! I drew this and then played with some prismacolor pencils, so I didn't color all the hair. This took about 3 minutes. I hate coloring in hair by hand.

I can't get no satisfaction

...from looking at page two, so I am going to redraw it and rescan it. I'll be working on this all day today, so late wednesday (afternoon or evening) might be when page two will go up. Hopefully I will be happy with it.

Quick drawing of the day!

I drew this today, pencilled and inked, trying to draw something heartfelt. I don't know about anyone else, but there is something about public transportation, listening to music, and holding hands that makes my heart hopeful. Someday. Well, yeah, this is kinda cheesy, but I'm a pretty cheesy fellow.

I'm back!

The last couple of days have been hectic. Miserable, I might even go as far to say. But I've started page two and should pencil and start inking tomorrow. I do, however, have class from 9 to noon, so I should be going to sleep soon.
I'm looking forward to "Project: Romantic." You can find a link to a preview by clicking on the title of this entry, or clicking here. My favorite page is Part IV of "Kingdom Animalia Illustrated."



























Sometimes you see things that make you laugh at the heart break you've been through, and that helps. But enough emotional talk.
I am nearly finished with the comic paintings I'm doing of Claire and Caroline. They are the actual real life incarnations of Shelly and Amy, respectively, from John Allison's Scary-Go-Round. Seriously. So I might take them to the imaging people before I give them the paintings, or if that fails, take them up to school and use the copy stand. I'll have to get good slide film and scan them on my computer once they are developed. I will not, however be putting them on here, for I think that takes away their value. Caroline will be posting hers on her myspace, however.
With that said, I can't wait to recieve my copies of Flight 1 and 2, and I'll have to re-order volume 3 since it got water damage tonight. Grr!

It's Wednesday!!

And as promised, here is page one of Imaginary Stitches. Expect page two next week.

Something good to listen to.

The broadcast I heard this last saturday of This American Life on the radio was perhaps the most touching program I have ever listened to. "Last Words." This is all I can say about it. Go listen to it. You can find it here. Although morbid, powerfully thought-motivating.
Expect to see a comic on death after Imaginary Stitches, the first page of which will go up on Wednesday, and a new page will be added every wednesday after that.

The First Story's First Page.

I finally got one page of the first story completely drawn, inked, scanned, and colored. Scanning took longer than I though it would take, mostly because i had a very hard time lining up the parts of the scan. My flat bed scanner has a recess where the glass is, and when the top is closed, the flattener pushes part of the board in and it creates a curve, distorting the scan. then it's nearly impossible to the all the lines to match up. I finally got it to work by scanning in two parts, not using the flattener, and putting part of the board on the outside of the scanning area. I spent a couple of hours in this step.
The first story I've decided to illustrate (my mom used this word for what I'm doing, I liked it better than comicking) is Imaginary Stitches, one of my better short stories. I wrote this one last summer. If you have read the story, good for you, but if you haven't, you'll get to see it in living color!
Anyways, I haven't yet decided a schedule for the comic (although for sure I've narrowed it down to one update a week, at least for now, as it takes me forever to get a single page done. I might increase to two a week once I get the hang of it), and I'm still working on ideas for an actual website for the comic. I don't want to put up the first page yet though, maybe tomorrow. In the meanwhile, here is a sneak preview at perhaps my serial comic, which will be a factual account of my life. Seriously. (Character based on me, although I did take some flattering liberties.) Click to GRANDITIZE IT!!!

This is another test. I was messing with creating the lines in their own layer, and checking how color was going to work. This was done using the trackpad on my powerbook. I definitely need a drawing tablet. I might have to go buy one right now.

I might as well get started.

Today I purchased a copy of photoshop and a scanner, which will double as a tool for my photography and my comic art. I haven't started coloring yet, but I scanned one of my test drawings and tested photoshop's ability at removing blue lines. It works.

Seeing as I am not going to school for drawing and classical animation, I have taken it upon myself to learn from others by reading what they have to say and seeing all the wonderful works. I, being the sappy sap that I am, have fallen in love with Vera Brosgol. I did not know this until today, but she is the author of "Return to Sender," a wonderful comic that was never finished. I was first introduced to the comic last year when Sarah showed it to me. I also found out Vera drew the "Skeletor Tries His Luck" sketch, which was Sarah's AIM icon for the longest time. Who would have known I'd considered Vera Brosgol as one of my top favorite artists. Check out her art and animation at www.verabee.com.

The point of this entry is clear. I am going to start inking "Imaginary Stitches" (and continue drawing it) as soon as I get a desk, which should be this weekend. If not, I'll keep on working on the floor.

Classes start next Thursday. I'll be buying a large format camera soon, and cheap 35mm film to do those annoying introductory assignments.

Stay Tuned.

Coming to a Blog Near You!!

My latest endeavor into the realm of the arts has been one that I've been wanting to do for a while, but only until a few days ago had the time and funding to start. Well, half start.
I recently started creating graphic short stories (as in comics, not the bad kind of graphic) based on my short stories I've written over the last couple of years. That's only half of the project, however, as the other half is creating a comic that I update regularly. This probably will not go up until I have made several episodes, after which I will have gotten the hang of making them, and will be able to post them twice a week and keep up with the production of new episodes. This, of course, involves time to write, time to storyboard (or plan a layout, since comics are pretty much fully fledged storyboards), pencil, ink, scan, and color in photoshop. I expect this to take up a large portion of my time, which unfortunately, still being in school (one more year!!), i might not have enough of. Also I lack a scanner and a copy of Photoshop (both of which I plan to buy as soon as I recieve money from the school).
Also, on my lists of projects (forced upon me, but which I will complete fully willingly) are the assignemts for the two photography classes which I am taking. I am in the process of buying a large format camera (also waiting for school money), which will be an excellent way to be able to divide my time between the two classes. I hate having to take out an unfinished roll of film because I need to change from color to black and white, or vice versa. So expect great things from those projects as well.
Third on my plate for this fall session, I will be writing poetry. I plan to incorporate this poetry into both my other projects (if it is any good, I have not taken a poetry class before, except what we went over in middle and high school for a week each year). There will be photographs based on my poetry, and maybe even comics based on it. I guess we will have to wait and see.
This, along with work at Mad Science, is probably all I will have time for this fall. I don't plan on socializing much, unless of course I meet a special lady, in which case be prepared for works inspired by her as well. But until further notice, all works will be inspired by my ex, Sarah Ferguson. Yep, the Dutchess of York. Nothing like a little heart break (coupled with a few martinis, or course) to get the creative process rolling.

Music

Have you ever had an album that when you listen to it, it is as if the artist was writing the soundtrack of your life? Everytime you listen to it (which is as often as possible), you find yourself relieved that someone's situation is the same as your own. And you listen to it over and over. As soon as you buy it, you listen to it on the way home, and at home, you put the cd on your computer and let it play on repeat. As you fall asleep at night, you let it lull you to sleep. And in the morning, it is the first thing you hear, and it invigorates you, whatever the songs may be about, whatever you have been through, this constant reminder of that event that affected you so deeply, a death, a break up, the music helps heal you. You realize that someone else has been through this, and you feel comforted by the fact that your heart is not the only broken one. Do you have an album like that? A song which captures your soul?

A True Story

I was not born into a wealthy family. For most of my life, I grew up in a home that struggled to get by. It wasn't because my dad was lazy, or because my mother did not keep a budget well. My dad is actually one of the hardest working people I know. He was a Baptist preacher, but worked as an electronic technician during the week. My mother spent our income wisely. We always had food on the table, and we were always warm in the winters. No, we struggled because we always seems to have luck against us. I mean, I was raised into not believe in luck, but as life would have it, something always happened to set us back.
The summer before the fifth grade was one of the worst I remember. My dad had been offered a job at a church a long way from the town we had grown up in. Moving there would change everything. New schools, new friends, new attitudes on life. The church had arranged for a parsonage, but before we could move in, it had to be remodeled.
After several weeks of staying with an old lady from the church, the house was nearly completed. We moved all of our belongings into the house. A problem with the plumbing meant anyone who needed to use the bathroom would have to walk to the church. For my mother's sake, we stayed at the lady's house one more night.
It was on the television, in the papers. Reports of arson, a house burned down.
We lost everything. Literally, up in smoke. All of our belongings were scorched: clothes, furniture, memories, our bright future. We had nothing but what we had with us. But we survived. We did not live a life with any luxuries for years. We accepted charity, my father took a job as a janitor at the school I attended. He always had a smile on his face. I cried late at night sometimes.
We lived in the housing projects for a while, we could not afford electricity for a few months. We borrowed the neighbors and paid them with what we could.
Eventually, we would be able to afford a small mobile home, and a rented lot in a trailer park. Sometimes we could not afford food, and we did not qualify for assistance from welfare, since both my parents were employed. My mother worked as an assistant at the county offices, filling out documents, running numbers. My dad did not want to mop floors anymore. He took the biggest risk of his life. He quit his job and attended the university in town full time. Now all the financial burden was on my mother. I thought my father was lazy, I thought we was being irresponsible. My mother spent hours at work, making barely enough to get by. Most of our food came from the local food pantry. My dad bought expensive books and sat around reading them for long hours. I resented him. He did no work. I cried late at night sometimes.
My father graduated from school when I was a freshman in high school. Four years had gone by since we moved from our comfortable life near family, near old friends. In all those years, we were never hungry. We were never cold in the winters. At last, my father had completed his schooling. When he started, he barely could speak english. He had trouble communicating, and sometimes he still does. But he graduated with a degree in sociology. He found a job as a counselor for underpriviledged children at the elementary school my little brother attended. Throughout all of this, our parents never enrolled us in this program. We were poorer than these at times, but there was hope at the end of the dark tunnel. both my parents were employed, and we managed to get by, buying our own food, our own clothes.
My parents are getting along well today. They still live in the trailer, but we recovered after those long, painful years. Thinking back, I cry late at night sometimes. We made it. We made it.

I love a girl who burned my heart down. As the walls of my heart crumbled into glowing embers on the bare floor of my soul, I became enraged. I had built that love up, I nurtured it from it's weak, infantile days. And now it smoldered, ashes blowing up into the air, a pile of soot, black and soon cold. As I grew to accept this pillar of nothingness, something I did not expect happened. A phoenix. In it's eyes was a dim glimmer. A revived hope. Although everything I had was lost, here is a new chance, a clean slate. My love for her is stronger than it was, a renewed emotion. So I wrote her a letter. I wrote her my heart, I wrote her my secret. The clouds of smoke that once blackened the sky were gone. I would do anything to make this last. I still wait for a response. I still wait.

ever night

The small rectangular window
let's me see this machine's wing.
Outside the sun is setting
red, like crying eyes.
I last saw you on the other
side of the world. The sun rose
from cold, windy eastern skies
yellow, like your hair.
The words you said are with me still.
The touch of lips to lips gone.
And you interred lie sleeping,
black, in ever night.

the kids were sick.

the kids are sick
they cough in bed.
they toss and turn.
fevers cause images
in their heads to burn.
the kids are sick.
their sheets are wet
with sickly sweat.
and I? i wait.
burning foreheads.
the kids are sick.
the sun rises
and bodies are still
and everything says
they're sleeping, so still.
the kids were sick.

A short story that I am writing right now!

"I never really thought it would be this hard." Melissa took of her apron and threw it over the recliner. Several pens fell out of the pocket.
I picked up the pens. Two of them where Bics with blue caps, and one of them was a novelty pen I had bought her on my trip to Seattle. "You just have to tell them what you think." I put the pens into the apron pocket and hung it on the coat rack.
Mary had wavy blonde hair, and when she worked she put it up. When she got home she would untie it and wave it around to untangle it. "The thing is, I can't." She ran her fingers through her hair.
...
to be cont.

Another Rant

Today I will rant about the objectivity of women in today's society. In particular, I will bash the AXE company, since it has been brought to my attention that their advertising not only puts men in a fantasized control over women, but that this power is granted by a spray which can be bought at the store for about five dollars. Are there really men out there who think this way? Are there really women out there who let themselves be portrayed in this way? Why don't the good guys and girls say anything about this? Why is this company putting out commercial after commercial? Are there people actually buying this product for the reason that it was portrayed? Are there people who buy this product, despite of the way it is advertized? Why support this product, and this portrayal of women as an object? I don't know about you, but I know I will not purchase this product, or any other product which degrades the equality of man and woman. That is all.

It's sad, really.

It has been said that I look like a madman with my short hair. It's horrible really, but it's true. I have even been compared to brad pitt! It's true, just look at the picture. Crazy.

Brad Pitt in "Twelve Monkeys"



I look even crazier than that. I hate it. So much for "professional."

Birthdays?

I wish I was little again.

The start of a habit

This is from the first time I tried to cut my hair. I have gotten much better since.

The Hudson

A barge on the Hudson River. Experimenting with simple Photoshop filters.

Broken Bones

Today I fell on the ice and broke both my elbows. Well, maybe they are not broken, but they hurt like nothing else. This has taught me a lesson: Jehu's don't like icy sidewalks, especially while carrying my powerbook. boo on ice...

to look forward, one must know where they came from...

Today I was reading all about the history of photography. I read how cameras obscura's were used by drawers and painters to get perspective down, and how they used that technology to look at solar eclipses. It was a really interesting history. It served to make me even more enthusiastic and motivated to one day be mentioned in a photography history book. I don't know what about yet, but I think it's a good idea.

A New Leaf

After much deliberation and many many hours thinking about nothing, and then suddenly thinking about baseball, I have decided to become a Yankees fan. I think this is for the best.

This will tell you what I am doing.

I AM HATING ON ZOMBIES!!! Also Megan told me to write in this... i think?

To All Who Care to Listen.

Everything on this planet, in this solar system, in this universe, and any other universes that might exist stays together because there exists a God with infinite power and wisdom. He keeps every electron spinning and knows exactly how fast it is going and exactly where it is. He keeps every proton in the nucleus, every string that makes up each particle, and every sublevel below that in existance. He is the law that makes atoms attracted to each other. He is in the space between everything that exists and is also in everything that exists. His presence is ever pervading. Why is it that we don't believe that anything is possible. Sure, we can say it, but do we believe with our hearts? Do we have faith? God incarnate, our Saviour Jesus Christ, said that if we had the smallest amount faith we could tell mountains to uproot themselves and they would. He said were to be doing things much greater than he ever did. He said faith in Him (God) is all it takes. Look at us today. We worry about getting to the next paycheck, we worry about the grades we will make in classes, we worry about the school we will make it into, we worry about getting where we are going. Why is it that when the Lord we believe in tells us we are meant for greater things that even He did that we get caught up in all this mundane noise? He said that if even the flowers of the field are dressed and the birds get their fill, why not we, who are God's prize creation, will be even more taken care of. I have a challenge for all of us. Christ gave us this one order. The greatest one. Love the Lord with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. Heart, Soul, Mind. Heart: All of our feelings should be of love towards our God. Mind: All our thoughts should focus on his infinite love for us. Soul: The essential core of what makes us human should know God is what keeps us, and love him. It doesn't say "love the lord with all your soul, but with your mind you should worry about the next paycheck, and with your heart you should worry about finding a wife." No! Everything that we want will come afterwards. Not as rewards for our love for him, but as gifts we don't deserve. I have a challenge for all of us, including myself. We have the power Christ gave us to do even more than he did. We have this commandment of love for Him, and love for others. What if we did just that. Every moment of everyday this week give Him praise for everything. In our minds, we will know he is the keeper of everything. This is to be our only thought. In our hearts, we are to know that he loves us deeper than any love we can find here on earth. In our souls we are to be devoted to searching out his infinite wisdom. Even for a day, if we can, to truly love Him with all that we are, will give us the faith to get through anything. It also enlightens us to realize that we are not put here for ourselves, but for him. For His glory. How will we glorify Him? By loving our neighbors as ourselves. We have the need to eat, to drink, for shelter, for love. We give all this to ourselves, but when we look besides us, we don't worry about other people. Take a look again. Are you loving those around you as yourself? I know I fail at this time and time again. But let's all try for at least one day. We will have faith to make mountains move. We can literally change the face of this world. In the deserts streams will flow and life will grow. I believe in the literal power of Christ. I believe he meant for us to do so much more that what we have been doing. Let's try it for a day. He gave us his word that we can do it, much as he gave us his word, and we came into existance. I know I will try everyday.

This is what I believe. Ask me about any questions you may have.

This is my time to pay?

I think depression is taking hold again. I don't feel well at all. There is no reason. I feel really hungry, but once i have food in front of me, I quickly loose my appetite. I feel like my stomach is empty even after eating the what i can. I feel like doing nothing with no one, and i know that is not healthy. The friends i've made here are great, but at the moment I wish I didn't know anyone, because then I'd have a reason to be depressed. These chemicals imbalances are not worth the trouble they cause. Could it be that i'm addicted to being depressed? Could it be that my body has built up a dependancy on this chemical that causes sadness? I don't know. I don't know... but i do know one thing. I will not let this overcome me...

Alone

"Alone at last. Just nostalgia and I. We were sure to have a blast..."
I miss my friends. It's been two days here at UNT and I feel quite alone and bored. I thought it would not be that bad to get away, but I guess when we lose what we take for granted, we really realize how much it means to us. I miss everybody. I've been bored here. Sitting in front of a computer all day is the worst thing I have ever done. It's the reason why I switched to photography. I think tomorrow I will go shoot or get the roll of film from new york that i missed developed. I thought I had defeated codependance, but lately I don't want to do anything if I'm doing it alone. I don't know. Perhaps I will check to see if there are any BSU activities tomorrow. It will be good. I need to make friends.

Redemption...

I think I have taken a turn for the worst lately. I feel crowded again, and I can't wait to get out of this rut I'm in. In a couple of days I will be leaving this town. I won't see people as often as I see them now. I will be in a brand new place. I say that knowing that I've been there before, but knowing It's not going to be the same at all. I will be studying somthing different, I will know different people, and my life will be worth something else. Sometimes I think I am not strong enough to face the future, but I am reminded that whatever I do face I was meant to face. People I know I was meant to know. Choices I make I was meant to take. I'm not saying there is no right or wrong. There is definately a clear distinction between what is right and what is wrong, but every choice I make, even if it is a mistake, I was meant to make.
Someone told me to not say never. She is correct. I do believe in forever, though. I believe in things that last. People make it hard to remember this. We get caught up in so many petty things. "This person doesn't like me, that person hurt my feelings." Focus on what is real. Don't make relationships in which all you do is talk about foolishness. Create deep relationships. Nurture them. Make something that will last forever, but remember that it is right now that you live. Don't dwell on the past, don't live in the future. This is your time to live. This is your time to live. Right now.
I have not spoken about my trip to New York. It's not because I don't want to, but it's because for me it was a time of mental rest. That's over with. A nice in between, if you will. But now I am back in Texas. This is right now. This is your time to live.

Good News

Today I recieved an email informing me of the acceptance of one of my photographs for publication in the next issue of the UTD Sojourn Journal of The Arts. I am very happy about this. It motivates me to keep going. One publication is the beginning, more will come. I will show the world beauty and truth through my photographs. I know this is only the beginning.

Hooked on it...

I have discovered I love to fish. I sorta knew it, but now I know it's therapeutic. I found a good spot to fish over on Renner and Synergy. I caught six small mouth bass in less than 45 minutes, and four of those were two in a row catches. I also had a few get away. It was a nice way to relax, but I left because the bugs were eating me up...

On Photography

Black and white photography is beautiful. It's not what the photograph looks like that is captivating, but what is in the photograph that draws all the attention. It's hard to have a good subject matter and composition, but when you find what you need to have in the picture, it's beautiful.
Color photography, in comparison, is only beautiful when the colors are perfect. It is hard to have perfect color, but it's possible. Blue eyes to me are beautiful. In a photograph, showing blue eyes is hard, but with deep rich colors, it is amazing.

The Last Couple of Weeks

It feels like I am nearing the close of yet another chapter in my life. New York will be the a small interlude in which important things might happen, but after New York is something totally new. I as of yet do not have a place to live before I move into the UNT dorms on Sunday, August 21st. I am not worried about it, however. There is that week and a half where I might be floating around. I need to move my things out of this house before New York. Also move myself out before New York.
One of the things I am most scared of concerning this trip is the flight there and back. I am terrified that if I die, I will not have finished things I started. I am not afraid of dying for my sake, but for the sake of people I love. This is my biggest fear.
On a lighter, sooner note, I will be going on a trip tonight to go float down the Caddo river. I love these get away times. Last time was El Paso, the week before that was camping, and this weekend it will be floating down a river in Arkansas. School is almost over for the summer. Just a few more class times. Almost there.
There is a lesson to be learned in everything. For me, the lesson I have learned lately is that I don't need tests to tell me what I should already know about myself. I was surprised at how accurate the test was, but I was more suprised what I knew those things about myself. I felt good knowing I knew myself. Do you?
I need to start packing... both for floating and to move out.

My Strength

I took a strength finder test the other day and it told me what I already knew but in words that make sense to other people.

Mine is Connectedness.

The book describes it as such:
Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life's mysteries.

Green Light

Yesterday, while driving, I came to a stop at a light behind another car. I wanted to turn right, and the car in front of me wanted to go straight. I was angry because he could have stop at the other lane which both goes straight and can turn left. The driver however stopped in front of me. There were no cars coming from the left, and i could have turned a long time before the light turned green had he stopped at the other lane.
Waiting at the light, I heard a bird singing. It was late at night, and I was in the city. The wind blowing into the car was cool, and the birds song was soothing. Last week I went camping and was woken up by a bird singing very early in the morning in a tree near my tent. I had put my pillow over my head and had tried to go back to sleep. I got up after a few minutes. Outside the sky was a dark shade of blue and in the eastern sky the sun shone red. I watched it rise few inches and listened to the song of the bird. When life gives you these moments, you don't want to let go.
The light turned green and the car in front of me sped off. I listened to the bird singing and stepped on the gas pedal. "It's about time," I said, and turned right.